Hopefully this will make you happy and smile always.
Julie the blonde just got out of the tanning salon. Needless
to say, she was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to
go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs
as a handywoman. Well, the first house she came to, a man answered
the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would
you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks alright?" Julie asked.
"Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll
need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife
who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around
the house?" asked the wife.
"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all
finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left,so I put on two
coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a
readhead, and the other a blonde. They bring up the first woman, the brunette
and the guard asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the guard
shouts:
"Ready.....Aim...!!" and suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!".
Everyone looks behind them and she runs off. So they bring up the
redhead and ask if she has any last requests. She says no, so the
guard shouts:
"Ready...Aim....!!" and suddenly she yells....."TORNADO!!".
Everybody turns around and she runs off. Well, by then, the blonde
had it figured out what to do. So they bring her up and she is asked if
she has any last requests. She says no, so the guard turns and yells: "Ready....Aim...!!"
and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!"
BABY
For weeks a little boy kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. Then one day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The boy was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stoped telling his teacher. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommie ate it!"
The city slicker decided to try out country life as he was bored
of working in high rise buildings. So he goes to the outbacks in a small
town and decided to set up a farm. He decided he needed a few animals to
get him started on his new farm, so he goes over to the animal stockade
to buy some animals.
"Hi, I'd like to buy a rooster, hen and a donkey" said the city
slicker.
The farmer at the animal stockade goes to the back and comes out
with the three animals he requested for. He hands over the rooster, "Round
these part, we call 'em cocks."
Then he hands over the hen, "Round these parts, we call 'em pullets."
Finally he hands over the donkey, "Round these parts, we call 'em
asses."
So the city slicker carried the rooster with his right hand, and
the hen on his left hand and walked back to his farm with the donkey.
"By the way, if the ass should stop, just give 'em a scratch and
he'll be on his way." said the farmer at the stockade.
On the way back, the donkey did just that. It stopped. Fortunately,
an old lady was walking the opposite direction, so the city slicker stopped
her and asked for help.
"Excuse me, ma'am. Could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch
my ass?"
There was this conference on Mars attended by scientists from various parts of the world. The American scientist was trying to brag about the technological advancements in his country.
"America will be the first country to send a man to Mars. We have space shuttles and according to our space program, we will have a man in Mars by the year 2001." boasted the American.
"No, no. Russia will send the first man to Mars. We have the Mir orbiting space station and according to our space program, we will have a man in Mars by the year 2000." boasted the Russian.
At this point, the scientist from India interrupted the two. "You two are going about this the wrong way. India is not interested in sending people to Mars because we find the planet quite dull and boring. Instead, according to our space program, we will be sending a man to the sun by the year 1999!"
"You can't send people to the sun" laughed the American. "It's simply too hot!"
"We know the sun is hot" acknowledged the Indian scientist. "That is why we intend to send our man there at night.
There are 3 engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the 3 engineers
look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical
engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying
to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer,
not knowing too much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer,
not knowing much about anything but software, comes up with a suggestion.
"Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows
again, and maybe it'll work?"
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars, both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done to both cars, althought neither driver is hurt.
It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either party, however. Both drivers got out of their cars. One is a doctor and other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone: "They will be there in 20 minutes", he said.
It was cold and damp and both men were shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his his flask. The doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink, too?" asks the doctor.
"After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the bitter butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and then watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell
him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last
16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
A traveling salesman stops at a hillbilly farmhouse to sell some
wares. While he's there a fierce storm comes up, and the farmer invites
him to spend the night.
However, as there wasn't a spare bedroom, the salesman would have
to sleep in the same room as the farmer's daughter--on the condition that
if any hanky-panky went on and the daughter got pregnant, the salesman
would have to marry her.
The salesman eyes the daughter, who has the body of a goddess but
the head of a javelina, and figures out that he's being set up for a shotgun
wedding. But he didn't want to brave the night's storm, so he
agreed to the farmer's terms.
The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast table.
The father asks the daughter, "Did he do it last night, girl?"
"Sure did, Pa."
"Excellent!" says the father. "If it's a boy, we'll call him John."
"And if it's a girl," says the mother, "we'll call her Martha."
About that time the salesman came into the room holding a condom
and grinning. "Well," he says, "if the little bastard gets out of this,
we'll call him Houdini."
Basic Rules for Driving in Kuala Lumpur (KL): (Subject to change at any time)
To obtain a general idea of KL driving: